I think about where I will be in a year and for the first time in my life, I honestly do not know. This terrifies me. Up until this point, I feel my life has been planned out for me. After grade school I knew I would go to middle school, after middle school I knew I would go to high school, and even after high school there was no doubt in my mind that I would go to college. But here I am, approaching the end of my senior year of college and I have absolutely no idea where I am going to go or what I am going to do after this. Sure, I have hopes and I have dreams, but never before have I felt that they may not be attainable.
This is hard for me to admit. Nobody wants to admit that they can and possibly will fail. I do not wish to be a pessimist and I have a great fear of disappointment and so I tell myself that things will work out the way they are meant to work out; the way that is best for me. And I truly do believe that. However, at the same time, it is difficult to stay positive when everything seems to be falling apart. I feel so alone. All I want is for someone to acknowledge my fear and to normalize it. I do not want advice. I do not want sympathy. I just want to feel like someone understands.
I wish I had someone to talk to. I wish I had someone who cares. I guess in this respect, I wish I were in a relationship. I just like the idea of having someone who cares enough about me to listen to me when I need them to. I am incredibly jealous of people who have this. I know that people do not have the time to pretend to care about how I feel or what I am going through. I realize that I have to accept that very few friendships are equal. I have to come to terms with the idea that I may put in more than I will ever get out. I must understand that I have to be there for people because that is part of who I am, but they are not obligated to be there for me in return and it is not fair for me to expect this of them. But, it is hard.